Pain on a Sunday evening.

I sit here wondering if I will have a day free of pain ever again. I know that sounds crazy...especially to people who have never had more than a day of real pain.
It feels as if barbed wire is wrapped around my ribcage....it felt more like 3 inch nails a month ago so I guess it is getting better. I feel so silly being jealous of my cat who can sleep so peacefully anytime he wants. To be jealous of ape many people who are just walking around not knowing what they have.
I will make it to tomorrow but wonder if I want to go another 20 years like this.
Lupus sucks!

In The Dark.....more!!!

I prayed and followed a few of my peaceful nighttime rituals! Worked for most of the night. "He" came again in my dream like PTSD. But it was short and I "got out" faster last night.
I often wonder how others deal with this inconvenience...that is what it is ...an inconvenience in my life that can screw up my day...unless I work extremely hard to not let it. The Blog is helping ...it is good for me!!!  LQTM(laughing quietly to myself)! I was really thinking about the inability to breathe at times...in my sleep. The "man " was like a big teen-ager bully instead of a father 90% of the time. I understand so much more now. One theory is when a person begins drinking alcohol they stop maturing emotionally.  My dad was 14 when he began drinking alcohol on a regular basis. Worked outside a bar...shining shoes, selling papers,  extent. He got his older friends and stupid adults to get him liquor. 

So going swimming with a emotionally delayed father...as he drank beer and liquor at the lake lead to terror for me from the age of about 3. I was a very good little swimmer, as was my super hero brother. But "man" would catch me. First start playing then he would begin holding me under the water until I truly thought I was going to die.
I really don't know if my mom didn't know how bad it was ( my tears over the years and begging him to stay far away from me should have been a big clue), anyway, when he would finally let me up I would beg and cry. Mom would say "Man" don't do that but she never physically got up off the shore to stop him. I would get out of the water, go sit alone & cry quietly.  Then he would promise to never do it again and for some stupid kid thinking I believed him. It happened for years. About the age of ten I swam far from him and all trust in the water was gone!

So...this long story may be part of where the lack of breathing issues happen to me

in the dark.

Embrace yourself. Be thankful for all life and may you all sleep like happy babies tonight!!!

Nightmare

I had a nightmare last night. I know we all do at times. I woke up and fell back asleep into the same dream. I have PTSD due to childhood traumas. Frustrates me that I still have to deal with it all. I've been through enough therapy for now....hasn't stopped these crazy dreams yet. They seem real and I am semi awake...know exactly where I am...just can't wake myself up...or "get out"!  The "man" was holding me down and I couldn't breath or scream. The "lady' didn't seem to realize how terrified I was and seemed to go about her business. When I did awake or "get out" my heart was racing as usual. It only took a few moments for me to realize I was safe and it was just the stupid PTSD again. Someday I hope they leave me alone forever.  I pray a lot...ask for the Angels to be present. Helps many times. Sometimes I wonder if there is a way to truly make it stop. It is a form of prison in a way. Little things....rituals I create to help me realize what is real and when I am not awake and it is just the PTSD. Wonder if other survivors of child abuse do the same thing. Praying for a Free night tonight. May sleep be peace for you all!!!

In the beginning....

To start things off I have to say I wasn't even a thought in the beginning. Not even a possibility.  My mother always said  "I was told I couldn't get pregnant while nursing".  I know, people actually believed that when I was concived. Maybe there are women who still believe this "Old Wives Tale" today?  Who knows?   I just know this was what I was always told about my conseption, so I think I was a denial even when proof was presented. Not that she did not love me, but we will talk about that later. To this day I have never been told any different, not even a 'You were a wonderful surprise', just an accident that happens when a wife has unprotected sex with her husband a few months after giving birth to the "Apple of Their Eyes".  I guess sometimes a person can ask to many questions and get hurt worse than never knowing. The truth does not set you free all of the time. Goodbye for now.